First things first. I know that it has been over a week since my last – and first – post on this blog. But when I was being convinced to write a blog, everyone was making it sound so grand and amazing. No one talks about the dark underside of the blogging universe – having to make constant entries. It’s like I’ve taken on an extra job, but I’m not getting paid for it. But that’s not what I want to write about today. There are more concerning things to talk about.
Now I’ve always been a believer that some of the best – and worst – television viewing is to be found at three in the morning. Alright, it’s all bad, but sometimes it’s so bad it’s good. Sometimes it’s so bad it’s brilliant. But by far, most of it is appalling infomercials that go for like half an hour about crap that only people that are regularly awake at that time would even consider buying.
I don’t care that your piece of crap knife can cut through a leather boot, my knives are sharp enough to cut right through my big juicy tender steak that I had for dinner. All I want my knives to do is cut the food that I want to eat. And then there is this ‘amazing’ revolution in exercise equipment that gives you all the benefits of workout in the comfort of your own home while you’re sitting on your arse watching TV at three in the morning, buying even more crap that doesn’t work and you don’t need, thanks to the electrodes that zap your body into shape. I swear, if I ever meet someone that has bought this abomination, I will attach it to either side of their head on the temples, crank up the juice and make them repeat after me this following sentence over and over and over again:
“I… will not… buy… crap… off… the TV… ever… again…”
And then there are the ones about new and exciting ways to cook you’re food faster than ever before just like the professional chefs in five star restaurants do. And now you are also eating healthier than ever before because our unique design gets rid of all the excess fat, just like everyone else’s design. A little piece inside of me died as my innocence was lost the day I came home and discovered that my family had bought themselves a ‘George Foreman Grill’.
I’m sad to say that that is not the only piece of crap that my parents have bought from infomercials over the years. There has been at least three different ab-things, the latest has only recently been moved out into the sun-room at the back of the house because that’s where they want all that stuff to go so it will become something like an exercise room. There are only three small problems with this.
- One, the sun-room at the back of the house is where useless things that don’t work go to die. The only reason that all this stuff gets put there is because there is not even standing room left in the shed in the backyard.
- Two, there is already so much assorted stuff in the sun-room that there isn’t space for all this exercise machine things to go. The room already has a two-seater and two single seater lounge chairs and two dog kennels, one of which is a decent size. Then there is the bench that is covered with gardening stuff, the shelves under the bench that are full of dad’s tools and crap, and the second fridge. And the room isn’t that big to begin with.
- Three, this rubbish exercise equipment doesn’t even get used after the first two weeks. I’ll admit that dad actually does use his body weight resistance training ‘thing’ at least once a fortnight, but that’s about it. There is even a treadmill, a quality one not off the TV, that I could write my name in the dust that builds up on the screen at times.
OK, minor defence of my parents, they didn’t buy the stuff from watching the infomercials. They made their purchases from actual stores that you can walk into, not over the phone. But these things must be sold to department stores when they fail to sell any from their 3am infomercials.
Anyway, the whole point of this is that I was up late doing some prep work for a camp that I will be leading on in January, and I was watching Indiana Jonas and the Crusaders of the Lost Ark on DVD in the background. After Indiana Jones had finished I flicked the TV back to the regular channels. I didn’t realise the time until I noticed that the infomercial was going for a long time and pausing for other adds about women who are supposedly sitting around in lingerie just waiting for you to sms them. And people complain about how hard it is to meet people these days. It only cost me five bucks per message. I mean my friend, it only cost MY FRIEND five bucks per message. Really, not me, my friend.
I’ve gotten off the point again. When I realised the time and what was on TV, I started watching hoping for some inspiration for this blog, but I wasn’t ready for what I was about to see. It was an infomercial for this new cooking device called the ‘FlavorWave’ that can cook a frozen rib-eye steak medium rare in sixteen minutes. One of those ‘set it and forget it’ type of things.
At first I thought, “That is pretty fast”. But I realised that I would take me less time to defrost a rib-eye steak in the microwave and cook it under the grill. If it takes you longer than this, then maybe you should let someone else do the cooking so that they don’t starve to death. Apparently this thing can be used to cook almost anything, just like most modern ovens and microwaves really, so nothing special there.
I was feeling the rage and inspiration build up inside of me. I was ready to blast this thing. That’s when the unexpected happened. You see, I missed the beginning of this particular infomercial program, and so I didn’t know which washed out celebrity they had gotten to sell out on their morals and endorse this rubbish.
It was Mr T. The Mr T of ‘The A-Team’ fame.
Mr T in all his glory!
I know that he hasn’t done much since the A-Team until those recent snickers commercials, but they weren’t infomercials, it Snickers. They are even better than Mars bars. They’re like Mars bars with peanuts. Forget frozen Mars bars this summer, put a Snickers bar in the freezer for an hour then eat it. You will never touch a frozen Mars bar again. Doing commercials for Snickers is not selling out. People like Snickers. People need Snickers.
Anyway, Mr T can’t sell out, can he? Mr T pities the fool that sells out. So why do the infomercial Mr T? Why? Mr T, you are a moral inspiration to a generation of people around the world. You taught a generation to respect their mothers, to exercise regularly and eat the right foods, not to bully other people and 80’s fashion sense. And you pitied the fool that didn’t do these things. How did it come to this? If you are broke Mr T, I will help you. I don’t have much to give, but you can have it. I’ll start up a charity to save you and other childhood hero’s of the world from having to do infomercials so that they can put dinner on the table. It will be OK Mr T, it will be OK.
But then I started thinking as I was watching Mr T on this infomercial, “Maybe this thing is actually good, I mean Mr T pities the fool that jibber-jabbers about stuff that is crap.” Mr T would lie to me, would he? He’s Mr T! Mr T doesn’t lie or sell out. I mean he wouldn’t possibly, couldn’t possibly, could he?
I’m just not sure what’s going on here. Should I be angry about the crap that people sell on TV, and the people that actually buy it? Is this some manifestation of the George Lucas mentality to take everything that I ever held dear from my childhood and change it, twisting it into some evil entity and ultimately destroying it? Is nothing sacred anymore? I mean what’s next? Is it going to become illegal to brutally bludgeon emos with rusty pieces of scrap metal tied to the ends of sticks? Where will this insanity stop?
If you want, you can see shorter 5min video on You Tube here.
What can we take from all of this? Well, I think that there are a few lessons that we can learn from today.
1. When watching TV at 3am, be careful.
2. Don’t buy crap from the TV infomercials.
3. Mr T has been caught in an evil scheme by George Lucas to utterly destroy your childhood happiness. Remember, George Lucas feeds and grows strong on your broken childhood dreams and memories.
4. Apparently there are lots of semi-hot, skanky looking women just waiting for you to send them a sms.
5. If you buy, or have bought in the past, crap from TV infomercials, hide it from me. Otherwise I will not be held responsible for the pain that will be inflicted upon you.
